THE AUGUST
One month in particular where everything feels heightened, condensed and intense...
August is a jumble of thoughts and emotions in a short period of time. It is the end of lazy summer nights, family movies and sleeping in late. It is the beginning of another school year; grateful for structure and routine, exhausted from practices, competitions and new information. Apprehension about friends, homework and teachers. Intrigue about the unknown, and the opportunity and challenge of it all.
August is also full of joy and sadness in our family. A celebration of life with multiple birthdays; a remembrance of those we have lost, who have reunited with God in heaven and who have crossed the rainbow bridge.
I must not be the only one who has big feelings about August. I was listening to a podcast recently, one that ends each episode with a short segment of “Inspiration and Affirmation.” The inspiring quote that was shared was from a poem entitled Let July be July by Morgan Harper Nichols. The quote was “Let July be July. Let August be August.” That line alone led me to seek out the full poem and man, did she encapsulate every feeling that happens to me during this time. Even just this stanza below hits home.
Every year at the beginning of the month, I feel like I take one deep breath and hold it in until the end of the month. Around September 5th I am finally able to exhale, but it feels like I have to re-learn how to breathe all over again.
I think part of the reason I feel this way is that I have traditionally thought of feelings as singular and existing independently of each other. When things are going well, I feel happy. When something bad happens, I feel sad. When something is funny, I laugh. Simple, easy, clean.
It has taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to realize that feelings are not only complicated and messy, but they can exist all at once and seemingly in conflict. I’m learning that happiness, sadness, grief, peace, confusion, satisfaction, desire, anger, patience, frustration can all exist at the same time, in differing measures, as reactions to different circumstances. The amount and intensity of each can vary from moment to moment. Feelings are not check boxes or a to-do list. There is no progression that goes “okay, I got through the sad part, now I will be happy”. The same situation can weave in and out between sadness, contentment, despair, peace and back again. I found these words from L. E. Bowman the other day and it says it all…
I’m working on getting better about allowing myself to go through the topsy-turvy, upside down and inside out cycle of feelings rather than the crisp, clean and linear trajectory that I always expected they would follow. I’m working on implementing the paradigm “Both things can be true” and truly believing it. I’m working on giving myself and others grace as we all navigate this roller coaster of days, months and years.
I’m taking “THE AUGUST” as a learning and growth period each year. When it’s time to exhale, what does that look like? For me, the beach brings me a sort of peace that I haven’t yet found anywhere else. During our beach outing on September 10, 2022 I used these words and pictures for my Facebook post: #currentsituation at my happy place. A place where I experience the awe and wonder of God’s handiwork and take deeper breaths than anywhere else. The place where the breeze carries my thoughts and the waves crash over my emotions. August is a complicated, fun, busy, happy and sad month. Every year, I feel like I inhale at the beginning of the month and hold it in. Today is my exhale…”
